Seen in the Readers Digest Feb 2020 edition (www.rd.com)
Social Media accidents:
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday – @thecatwhisperer
Accidentally changed my Facebook status to “single” and my mother-in-law posted, “WOO-HOO!” – @brianhope
Accidentally posted “happy buttday” instead of “Happy Birthday” on a Facebook Friend’s wall – @parkerlawyer
As we watched a program about a man with agoraphobia, my wife asked, “Is that a disability?”. “Yes”, I said. “Maybe I have that”, said my wife. I shook my head and said, “No, he’s afraid to leave the house. You just like to stay home.”
Excuses that ministers have heard for why people skip church: – I couldn’t get the lid off the peanut butter – The church is too close to drive and too far to walk – Both of my girlfriends attend church there – The pastor stays in the Bible too much – The pastor is too attractive. When I see him preaching I have impure thoughts and I am distracted – My wife cooked bacon for breakfast and our entire family smelled like bacon – The worship leader pulls up his pants too often. It’s distracting – I always get hemorrhoids on Sundays. – Someone called me ‘brother’ instead of using my name
So I don’t know how or why, probably genetics has a lot to do with it, I take a light-hearted approach to life and look to find the humor in things or just make up the humor. Peter Holthe, the driving force that made FOCM happen, called me irreverent. Having just looked it up, it means: showing a lack of respect for people or things that are generally taken seriously. I don’t intend to show a lack of respect but I like humor more than seriousness. Of course there’s a time and a place for both. But funny observations are always just under the serious stuff for me.
So my twin brother recently must have been surfing the web, maybe Wikipedia and spent time on the origin of the names of a couple of America’s states: Idaho and Texas. Below will be what he wrote and what I replied with.
My brother sent this: The name “Idaho” has no translation at all because it’s entirely made up. In an early form of marketing that would make these modern-day businesses proud, the name was suggested by a local leader in 1860 who claimed the word “Idaho” was a Native American word for “gem of the mountains.” Later that same year, gold was discovered in the Clearwater area, proving his invented name wasn’t far off base.
To which I replied: That’s close to accurate. It was made up, but it was “Idano” and a typesetting issue on the old printing press mistakenly set the n as an h. Quite easy to do as they are close to each other. The name “Idano” was because when others heading west asked the people in what is now Idaho, why they stopped there and didn’t go any further, their answer was “idano”.
Then he sent this about Texas: Like the Dakotas, Texas was named with friendship in mind. Texas is a variant of a word (Teysha) used by some Native Americans to refer to friends or allies. It has many different spellings, including “Texias,” “Tejas,” and “Teysas.”
To which I replied: A variant book of name origins reveals this: Like the Carolinas, Texas was named after a particular member of the royal family, albeit, for Texas, it was a lesser known Earl of a small, rural Scottish Isle. His name was Tex, Earl of the Isle of Mull. Tex was rather eccentric and thought being Earl meant he was King of his Isle. When people would see something new or different on the isle, they’d ask “whose is that?” The answer was always “it’s Tex’s”. Tex did little actual work and spent a lot of time thinking – coincidentally Tex is the reason that to “mull” it over means to think on something. Tex’s incompetency lead to his eventual over throw and he was sent to the new colonies. He eventually settled in what is now Odessa. He got very active in the public square where his eccentricities and overblown ego eventually resulted in the state being named Texas.
My Mom purchased a subscription to Weekly Standard for me several years ago. Yes, it leans conservative but the editors are definitely not pro-Trump.
One of the things I enjoy about it is the last page is usually a parody of a real story or headline and they take off with it and have fun. This one made me chuckle. They start with the true story of Elizabeth Warren and her DNA test revealing that she does have some Native American ancestory.
I go to a bar and ask “what’s the wi-fi password?”
Bartender replies: You need to buy a drink first.
I reply, “okay, I’ll have a beer”
Bartender: that’ll be $5.
I pay him and say, “ok, so what’s the password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first, no spaces, all lowercase.”
A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly confides to his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says “my owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German Shepherd and I’m as nervous as a hamster.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle, “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game of Monopoly.
– Steven Wright
As some of you know, when I hear someone say something that, if taken out of context strikes me funny, I make note of it. I’ve done this for years at corporate meetings and have published many of them at this website.
Being out of larger corporations and their penchant for meetings, meetings and more meetings, I’m not presented with as many opportunities. Here are a few captured over the past 3 years in a variety of settings:
I drink a lot, all the time. – Michelle Jacobson, 7/14/2015
My beer is always full of fridge. – Michelle Jacobson, 7/14/2015
The men are easy.
– Kelly O’Brien, 7/14/2015
She just changed reality! – Chris Matheus (date unrecorded)
Sooner or later, everything happens. – Kevin Clover, May 2018
I received a gift from a friend of a book entitled “The Wicked Wit of Winston Churchill” compiled by Dominique Enright and several struck me as particularly noteworthy, really speaking either to my sense of humor or my beliefs, which I share with you below:
“if I valued the honourable gentleman’s opinion, I might get angry”, Churchill responded calmly when an Ulster Member shouted “contemptible” during a … debate in the House.
and a favorite of mine – “The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.”
“Trying to maintain good relations with a Communist is like wooing a crocodile. You do not know whether to tickle it under the chin or beat it over the head. When it opens its mouth, you cannot tell whether it is trying to smile or preparing to eat you up.”
“The worst quarrels only arise when both sides are equally in the right and in the wrong.”
“Criticism is easy; achievement is difficult.”
“of this I am quite sure, that if we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we shall find we have lost the future.”
The chihuahua at my vet’s office was quiet right up until a huge Rottweiler came in. Suddenly, the six-pounder became Cujo -barking and growling. It’s owner said, “oh please, the only way you could hurt that dog was if you got stuck in its throat.”
Four year old said he went potty and I asked if it was number 1 or 2 – he said 7, i’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I can’t find my kid’s birth certificate, but apparently I saved one for every Build-a-Bear we own in a special file because I’m insane.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and her little dog.
Remember Brexit – shorthand for British Exit, here are some names for other countries if they wish to exit the country groups to which they belong:
What if the person who named “walkie-talkies” named other things:
Forks would be stabby-grabbies
Wigs would be hairy-wearies
Socks would be feetie-heaties
Defibrillators would be hearty-starties.