My Mom purchased a subscription to Weekly Standard for me several years ago. Yes, it leans conservative but the editors are definitely not pro-Trump.
One of the things I enjoy about it is the last page is usually a parody of a real story or headline and they take off with it and have fun. This one made me chuckle. They start with the true story of Elizabeth Warren and her DNA test revealing that she does have some Native American ancestory.
From the September 2018 issue of Readers Digest:
I go to a bar and ask “what’s the wi-fi password?”
Bartender replies: You need to buy a drink first.
I reply, “okay, I’ll have a beer”
Bartender: that’ll be $5.
I pay him and say, “ok, so what’s the password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first, no spaces, all lowercase.”
A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly confides to his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says “my owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German Shepherd and I’m as nervous as a hamster.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle, “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game of Monopoly.
– Steven Wright
Now this is some news I believe all Americans, nay, all people can get behind.
Good news in these troubled times
In these times of so much loud media noise, political turmoil and anger, this is truly a story with a happy ending.
As some of you know, when I hear someone say something that, if taken out of context strikes me funny, I make note of it. I’ve done this for years at corporate meetings and have published many of them at this website.
Being out of larger corporations and their penchant for meetings, meetings and more meetings, I’m not presented with as many opportunities. Here are a few captured over the past 3 years in a variety of settings:
I drink a lot, all the time.
– Michelle Jacobson, 7/14/2015
My beer is always full of fridge.
– Michelle Jacobson, 7/14/2015
The men are easy.
– Kelly O’Brien, 7/14/2015
She just changed reality!
– Chris Matheus (date unrecorded)
Sooner or later, everything happens.
– Kevin Clover, May 2018
Reprinting this from a Reader’s Digest:
These are things not to do when interviewing. These were provided by hiring managers:
- Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday and Sunday was “drinking time”.
- Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole the pig, but it was a really small pig.”
- Advertising is a tough business. Which may be why one prospective adman wrote a cover letter boasting, “I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly.”
Sharing a video from Polaris Compliance Consultants re: the GDPR/EU Data Privacy:
I received a gift from a friend of a book entitled “The Wicked Wit of Winston Churchill” compiled by Dominique Enright and several struck me as particularly noteworthy, really speaking either to my sense of humor or my beliefs, which I share with you below:
“if I valued the honourable gentleman’s opinion, I might get angry”, Churchill responded calmly when an Ulster Member shouted “contemptible” during a … debate in the House.
and a favorite of mine – “The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.”
“Trying to maintain good relations with a Communist is like wooing a crocodile. You do not know whether to tickle it under the chin or beat it over the head. When it opens its mouth, you cannot tell whether it is trying to smile or preparing to eat you up.”
“The worst quarrels only arise when both sides are equally in the right and in the wrong.”
“Criticism is easy; achievement is difficult.”
“of this I am quite sure, that if we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we shall find we have lost the future.”
A man woke up in the hospital after a harrowing operation. Full of dread, he asked the nurse, “did things go okay?”
The nurse replied, “they were able to save your testicles.”
The man let out a huge sigh of relief. Then the nurse handed him a plastic cup and said, “they’re in here if you’d like to see them.”
Chuck was out walking his 100 pound rottweiler when he decided to stop at the local tavern. He tied his dog to a parking meter and headed inside. Minutes later a woman ran into the bar screaming, “whose dog is outside?”
Chuck stood up and said, “mine.”
“You’d better get out there. My chihuahua is killing him!”, said the woman.
“You’re nuts, lady,” laughed Chuck. “how could a little Chihuahua kill my Rottweiler?”
The woman replied, “he’s stuck in his throat!”
More humor seen in Reader’s Digest:
The chihuahua at my vet’s office was quiet right up until a huge Rottweiler came in. Suddenly, the six-pounder became Cujo -barking and growling. It’s owner said, “oh please, the only way you could hurt that dog was if you got stuck in its throat.”
Four year old said he went potty and I asked if it was number 1 or 2 – he said 7, i’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I can’t find my kid’s birth certificate, but apparently I saved one for every Build-a-Bear we own in a special file because I’m insane.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and her little dog.
Remember Brexit – shorthand for British Exit, here are some names for other countries if they wish to exit the country groups to which they belong:
What if the person who named “walkie-talkies” named other things:
Forks would be stabby-grabbies
Wigs would be hairy-wearies
Socks would be feetie-heaties
Defibrillators would be hearty-starties.
Saw this recently and think it’s amusing. Google published the most searches for “how to spell” a word by state.
Here are a few of them:
California – beautiful
Maryland – special
Nevada – available
Pennsylvania – sauerkraut
South Dakota – college
Wisconsin – Wisconsin
Arizona – tomorrow
In my opinion, Pennsylvanians win for actually having a word that I could see people needing to look it up, the others – rather embarrassing. “College”!! seriously South Dakota, come on! and Wisconsin Wisconsin?!