Jokes for Sunday

A man woke up in the hospital after a harrowing operation.  Full of dread, he asked the nurse, “did things go okay?”
The nurse replied, “they were able to save your testicles.”
The man let out a huge sigh of relief.  Then the nurse handed him a plastic cup and said, “they’re in here if you’d like to see them.”

Chuck was out walking his 100 pound rottweiler when he decided to stop at the local tavern.  He tied his dog to a parking meter and headed inside.  Minutes later a woman ran into the bar screaming, “whose dog is outside?”
Chuck stood up and said, “mine.”
“You’d better get out there. My chihuahua is killing him!”, said the woman.
“You’re nuts, lady,” laughed Chuck. “how could a little Chihuahua kill my Rottweiler?”
The woman replied, “he’s stuck in his throat!”

Jokes contributed by FOCM Members

So one of FOCM’s members texts me random humorous items.  I share some of them with you today:

What did the ocean say to the sailboat?
Nothing.  It just waved.

 

What did General Custer say at Little Big Horn when he saw the Indians coming?
“Here come the Indians.”

 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?
Juan on Juan

 

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.  So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, “our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity.  Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “uh…no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the laywer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did you research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer says, “So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

Golf Jokes for the weekend

Here are a few golf jokes for you to enjoy:

A golfer standing on a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.”
To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
“Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”

Noting that her husband looked more haggard and disgruntled than usual after his weekly golf game, his wife asked what was wrong.
He answered, “Well, on the 4th hole, Harry had a heart attack and died. It was terrible! The entire rest of the day, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry!”

A man and his wife are playing the 5th hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, “Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway.”  He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.
A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, “Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway.”
He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, “No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!”

O’Keefe regularly plays golf on Sunday mornings with three Orthodox Jews. Every Sunday, they break par while he shoots 90. At the end of the season, he asks for their secret. It’s their religion, they tell him. They go to synagogue, study, pray, celebrate the festivals and Sabbath, then play golf on Sundays and have great rounds.