More Funny Things I Have Seen

More humor seen in Reader’s Digest:

The chihuahua at my vet’s office was quiet right up until a huge Rottweiler came in.  Suddenly, the six-pounder became Cujo -barking and growling.  It’s owner said, “oh please, the only way you could hurt that dog was if you got stuck in its throat.”

Parent tweets:
Four year old said he went potty and I asked if it was number 1 or 2 – he said 7, i’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I can’t find my kid’s birth certificate, but apparently I saved one for every Build-a-Bear we own in a special file because I’m insane.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and her little dog.

Remember Brexit – shorthand for British Exit, here are some names for other countries if they wish to exit the country groups to which they belong:

  • Czechout
  • AufWeiderSpain
  • Boltswana
  • Fleeji
  • Scootland
  • Dubaibye
  • Afghaniscram
  • Farewales

What if the person who named “walkie-talkies” named other things:

Forks would be stabby-grabbies
Wigs would be hairy-wearies
Socks would be feetie-heaties
Defibrillators would be hearty-starties.

How to spell searches

Saw this recently and think it’s amusing.  Google published the most searches for “how to spell” a word by state.

Here are a few of them:

California – beautiful

Maryland – special

Nevada – available

Pennsylvania – sauerkraut

South Dakota – college

Wisconsin – Wisconsin

Arizona – tomorrow

In my opinion, Pennsylvanians win for actually having a word that I could see people needing to look it up, the others – rather embarrassing.  “College”!! seriously South Dakota, come on! and Wisconsin Wisconsin?!

Newly created words

Saw these in Reader’s Digest October issue which were excerpted from “That should be a word” by Lizzie Skurnick:

Bangst – noun; stress over diminishing funds. Example: He read hte ATM printout carefully, filled with bangst.

Fidgital – adjective; excessively checking one’s smartphone.

Flabsolution – noun; pardoning yourself for weight gain.

Palbatross – noun; A friend you’d like to drop.

Tyrunt – noun; child who bosses everyone around.

Wordition – noun; being stuck around people who won’t stop talking.

Laughter is the good for our health

Going through some things and found these funny things in several Reader’s Digests:

  • When people tell me “you’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.
  • A woman was lying in bed one night when she felt her husband’s hand caressing her neck in a way she hadn’t experienced in quite a while.  The hand then slid down her side, stopping at her knee.  Then he moved closer and did the same on her other side before abruptly stopping and moving away.  Feeling rather aroused and delighted by the unexpected attention,  she whispered, “Honey, that was wonderful.  Why did you stop?”
    He replied, “Because I found the remote.”
  • Why can’t you trust an atom?
    Because they make up literally everything.
  • I saw a guy with a question mark tattoo, which seems like an incredibly permanent commitment to uncertainty.
  • A new patient handed in her medical history form.  On the line marked past traumas, she’d written: Married twice.

A few funnies from the work place:

  • I asked the job candidate if he considered himself a punctual person.  He responded, “well, I’m not a grammar Nazi or anything.”
  • I had a guy show up for his interview drunk and wearing a powder-blue tuxedo jacket. The interview didn’t last long, but before it was over, he was crying about his uncle who had died.  We asked him how long had he been gone: the answer – 6 years!
  • At PetSmart, one of hte questions we ask job candidates is: “if you could be any animal, what would it be?” This candidate replied that he would be a turtle, because he’s always really slow and he’s never in a rush.

A few from lab research notes on their study or process method:

  • We incubated this for however long lunch was.
  • Slices were left in a formaldehyde bath for over 48 hours because I put them in on Friday and refuse to work on weekends.
  • This dye was selected because the bottle was within reach.
  • We didn’t test as many clams as oysters because someone found the samples and ate them.
  • I used that specific sequence of biotinylated DNA because I found some in the freezer.
  • The experiment was carried out from 9:00 a.m. to 5: p.m. because the lab is deserted and creepy after office hours.

Hump day humor

It’s Wednesday – a good time for adding humor to your day:

From Readers Digest May 2017 issue:

My friend, a county public health nurse, was reviewing a student’s medical records when she noticed that the girl and her mother share the same first name.  My friend asked, “doesn’t that ever get confusing?”  To which the girl said, “oh no, I just call her Mom.”
sent in by Beth Nelson from Clear Lake, Wisconsin

I’d recently written an academic book, which  my six year old son asked to see.  I handed him a copy and he carefully examined the pages.  When he was done, he closed the book and, looking perplexed, asked, “Dad, do you understand any of this?”
sent in by Tanni Haas, NY, NY

and next: responses that tenants gave their landlords after not paying the rent on time:

  • I didn’t pay the rent because I’m saving up to move.
  • Oh come on. You’re gonna harass me on Valentine’s Day?
  • My last landlord had no problem with me paying late. This seems to be a real big issue with you.
  • Well, if I wasn’t late with the rent, you’d never come to see me.
  • I’m getting real tired of paying this rent every month. You’ll just have to wait.

Recent Amusing Things I Have Read

From the May 2017 Readers Digest come these humorous items:

Sent in from Kendall Barrowes from Spanish Fork, Utah:
“Our friend her her four-year-old son were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant when in walked a man covered in tattoos.  The boy turned to him and said, “looks like somebody got into the markers.”

Sent in from Natalia Skrodzki:
“one of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.”

Sent in from Kristine Binaco, Fair Haven, New Jersey:
“I texted my husband to tell him that I’d be out of touch for a bit since I planned to color my hair.  Thanks to autocorrect, here’s what he read: After I finish my cup of coffee, I am going to die. You may not be able to reach me while I’m in the midst of that.”

In a tweet from Goldengateblond:
“Just saw Luke Perry on the cover of the AARP magazine, in case they ask for my cause of death.”

And lastly some real reviews as seen on Zagat:

  • “breaking bread” should not mean you have to use the side of the table.
  • I thought I was looking at an oil painting when suddenly it moved. It was my waitress.
  • The only way the tables could be closer together would be to stack them.
  • The duck was tired, tough and it took 90 minutes to arrive. It must have had a long flight.
  • Primary attraction was the small wildlife wandering across the table.
  • The chef keeps renaming and relocating the restaurant like it’s a member of the Federal Witness Protection Program.
  • The waiter repeatedly called my aging parents ‘coach’ and ‘darling’.
  • Overpriced and undergood.

Jokes contributed by FOCM Members

So one of FOCM’s members texts me random humorous items.  I share some of them with you today:

What did the ocean say to the sailboat?
Nothing.  It just waved.

 

What did General Custer say at Little Big Horn when he saw the Indians coming?
“Here come the Indians.”

 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?
Juan on Juan

 

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.  So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, “our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity.  Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “uh…no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the laywer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did you research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer says, “So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

Golf Jokes for the weekend

Here are a few golf jokes for you to enjoy:

A golfer standing on a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.”
To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
“Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”

Noting that her husband looked more haggard and disgruntled than usual after his weekly golf game, his wife asked what was wrong.
He answered, “Well, on the 4th hole, Harry had a heart attack and died. It was terrible! The entire rest of the day, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry!”

A man and his wife are playing the 5th hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, “Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway.”  He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.
A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, “Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway.”
He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, “No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!”

O’Keefe regularly plays golf on Sunday mornings with three Orthodox Jews. Every Sunday, they break par while he shoots 90. At the end of the season, he asks for their secret. It’s their religion, they tell him. They go to synagogue, study, pray, celebrate the festivals and Sabbath, then play golf on Sundays and have great rounds.

It’s Humor Time

Time for some funny things I’ve recently seen in the Dec/Jan Reader’s Digest:

Our new neighbors thought our Wi-Fi network name was our last name.  So when they gave us a Christmas card, they addressed it to “The Linksys Family”.

Contributed by Scarlett Buzek:
The line at our local post office was out the door and seeing that only one postal worker was on duty, the customers were getting testy.  To help hurry things along, a customer called out, “How can I help you go faster?”  The postal worker yelled back, “Go home!”

Contributed by Michael McRae:
Filling out a credit care application, my friend came up on this question: “What is your source of income?”  She wrote, “ATM”.

Contributed by Frank Petro-Roy:
From the start of our marriage, my wife and I had one rule: We would always respect hte other’s privacy in the bathroom.  And over the years, we honored that commitment.  That is, until recently. I was sitting on the toilet when my wife barged in, shouting, “Honey, close your eyes. I have to get a towel.”

Contributed by Jim Boehm:
While interviewing a candidate for a receptionist position, I asked one of my standard questions: “What do you see in yourself that you’d like to improve?”  Her response: “my breasts.”

Contributed by Michelle Choate:
Our new hire did not have a great start. On his very first day, he was two and a half hours late. Luckily for him, he called in to explain. “I know this sounds bad,” he began, “but I didn’t realize today was Monday.”

From resumania.com:
The skills section of your resume is where you can impress hiring managers with your qualifications. Or not, as these real examples show:
I offer mediocrity at its best.
I’m try-lingual.
Phone tap.
I’ve got a PhD in human feelings.
Grate communication skills.
Familiar with all faucets of accounting.
PlayStation 2.
Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head.
Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Funny definitions:
Diplomacy: the art of letting someone else have your way.
Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting

And on a serious note:

From Abigail Adams: To be good, and to do good, is the whole duty of man comprised in a few words.
(I hope we can forgive her statement from the late 1700’s and imply that she meant humankind and not just men.)