Seen in the Readers Digest Feb 2020 edition (www.rd.com)
Social Media accidents:
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday – @thecatwhisperer
Accidentally changed my Facebook status to “single” and my mother-in-law posted, “WOO-HOO!” – @brianhope
Accidentally posted “happy buttday” instead of “Happy Birthday” on a Facebook Friend’s wall – @parkerlawyer
As we watched a program about a man with agoraphobia, my wife asked, “Is that a disability?”. “Yes”, I said. “Maybe I have that”, said my wife. I shook my head and said, “No, he’s afraid to leave the house. You just like to stay home.”
Excuses that ministers have heard for why people skip church:
– I couldn’t get the lid off the peanut butter
– The church is too close to drive and too far to walk
– Both of my girlfriends attend church there
– The pastor stays in the Bible too much
– The pastor is too attractive. When I see him preaching I have impure thoughts and I am distracted
– My wife cooked bacon for breakfast and our entire family smelled like bacon
– The worship leader pulls up his pants too often. It’s distracting
– I always get hemorrhoids on Sundays.
– Someone called me ‘brother’ instead of using my name
From the September 2018 issue of Readers Digest:
I go to a bar and ask “what’s the wi-fi password?”
Bartender replies: You need to buy a drink first.
I reply, “okay, I’ll have a beer”
Bartender: that’ll be $5.
I pay him and say, “ok, so what’s the password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first, no spaces, all lowercase.”
A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly confides to his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says “my owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German Shepherd and I’m as nervous as a hamster.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle, “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game of Monopoly.
– Steven Wright
More humor seen in Reader’s Digest:
The chihuahua at my vet’s office was quiet right up until a huge Rottweiler came in. Suddenly, the six-pounder became Cujo -barking and growling. It’s owner said, “oh please, the only way you could hurt that dog was if you got stuck in its throat.”
Four year old said he went potty and I asked if it was number 1 or 2 – he said 7, i’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I can’t find my kid’s birth certificate, but apparently I saved one for every Build-a-Bear we own in a special file because I’m insane.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and her little dog.
Remember Brexit – shorthand for British Exit, here are some names for other countries if they wish to exit the country groups to which they belong:
What if the person who named “walkie-talkies” named other things:
Forks would be stabby-grabbies
Wigs would be hairy-wearies
Socks would be feetie-heaties
Defibrillators would be hearty-starties.
From the May 2017 Readers Digest come these humorous items:
Sent in from Kendall Barrowes from Spanish Fork, Utah:
“Our friend her her four-year-old son were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant when in walked a man covered in tattoos. The boy turned to him and said, “looks like somebody got into the markers.”
Sent in from Natalia Skrodzki:
“one of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.”
Sent in from Kristine Binaco, Fair Haven, New Jersey:
“I texted my husband to tell him that I’d be out of touch for a bit since I planned to color my hair. Thanks to autocorrect, here’s what he read: After I finish my cup of coffee, I am going to die. You may not be able to reach me while I’m in the midst of that.”
In a tweet from Goldengateblond:
“Just saw Luke Perry on the cover of the AARP magazine, in case they ask for my cause of death.”
And lastly some real reviews as seen on Zagat:
- “breaking bread” should not mean you have to use the side of the table.
- I thought I was looking at an oil painting when suddenly it moved. It was my waitress.
- The only way the tables could be closer together would be to stack them.
- The duck was tired, tough and it took 90 minutes to arrive. It must have had a long flight.
- Primary attraction was the small wildlife wandering across the table.
- The chef keeps renaming and relocating the restaurant like it’s a member of the Federal Witness Protection Program.
- The waiter repeatedly called my aging parents ‘coach’ and ‘darling’.
- Overpriced and undergood.