From the May 2017 Readers Digest come these humorous items:

Sent in from Kendall Barrowes from Spanish Fork, Utah:
“Our friend her her four-year-old son were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant when in walked a man covered in tattoos.  The boy turned to him and said, “looks like somebody got into the markers.”

Sent in from Natalia Skrodzki:
“one of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.”

Sent in from Kristine Binaco, Fair Haven, New Jersey:
“I texted my husband to tell him that I’d be out of touch for a bit since I planned to color my hair.  Thanks to autocorrect, here’s what he read: After I finish my cup of coffee, I am going to die. You may not be able to reach me while I’m in the midst of that.”

In a tweet from Goldengateblond:
“Just saw Luke Perry on the cover of the AARP magazine, in case they ask for my cause of death.”

And lastly some real reviews as seen on Zagat:

• “breaking bread” should not mean you have to use the side of the table.
• I thought I was looking at an oil painting when suddenly it moved. It was my waitress.
• The only way the tables could be closer together would be to stack them.
• The duck was tired, tough and it took 90 minutes to arrive. It must have had a long flight.
• Primary attraction was the small wildlife wandering across the table.
• The chef keeps renaming and relocating the restaurant like it’s a member of the Federal Witness Protection Program.
• The waiter repeatedly called my aging parents ‘coach’ and ‘darling’.
• Overpriced and undergood.