Tag: humor

Funny things I’ve recently seen

From the September 2018 issue of Readers Digest:

I go to a bar and ask “what’s the wi-fi password?”
Bartender replies: You need to buy a drink first.
I reply, “okay, I’ll have a beer”
Bartender: that’ll be $5.
I pay him and say, “ok, so what’s the password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first, no spaces, all lowercase.”

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly confides to his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says “my owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German Shepherd and I’m as nervous as a hamster.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle, “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game of Monopoly.
– Steven Wright

 

Quotes taken out of context

As some of you know, when I hear someone say something that, if taken out of context strikes me funny, I make note of it.  I’ve done this for years at corporate meetings and have published many of them at this website.

Being out of larger corporations and their penchant for meetings, meetings and more meetings, I’m not presented with as many opportunities.  Here are a few captured over the past 3 years in a variety of settings:

I drink a lot, all the time.
– Michelle Jacobson, 7/14/2015

My beer is always full of fridge.
– Michelle Jacobson, 7/14/2015

The men are easy.
– Kelly O’Brien, 7/14/2015

She just changed reality!
– Chris Matheus (date unrecorded)

Sooner or later, everything happens.
– Kevin Clover, May 2018

How not to get hired

Reprinting this from a Reader’s Digest:

These are things not to do when interviewing.  These were provided by hiring managers:

  • Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday and Sunday was “drinking time”.
  • Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole the pig, but it was a really small pig.”
  • Advertising is a tough business.  Which may be why one prospective adman wrote a cover letter boasting, “I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly.”

Quotes of Winston Churchill

I received a gift from a friend of a book entitled “The Wicked Wit of Winston Churchill”  compiled by Dominique Enright and several struck me as particularly noteworthy, really speaking either to my sense of humor or my beliefs, which I share with you below:

“if I valued the honourable gentleman’s opinion, I might get angry”, Churchill responded calmly when an Ulster Member shouted “contemptible” during a … debate in the House.

and a favorite of mine – “The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.”

“Trying to maintain good relations with a Communist is like wooing a crocodile.  You do not know whether to tickle it under the chin or beat it over the head.  When it opens its mouth, you cannot tell whether it is trying to smile or preparing to eat you up.”

“The worst quarrels only arise when both sides are equally in the right and in the wrong.”

“Criticism is easy; achievement is difficult.”

“of this I am quite sure, that if we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we shall find we have lost the future.”

 

More Funny Things I Have Seen

More humor seen in Reader’s Digest:

The chihuahua at my vet’s office was quiet right up until a huge Rottweiler came in.  Suddenly, the six-pounder became Cujo -barking and growling.  It’s owner said, “oh please, the only way you could hurt that dog was if you got stuck in its throat.”

Parent tweets:
Four year old said he went potty and I asked if it was number 1 or 2 – he said 7, i’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I can’t find my kid’s birth certificate, but apparently I saved one for every Build-a-Bear we own in a special file because I’m insane.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and her little dog.

Remember Brexit – shorthand for British Exit, here are some names for other countries if they wish to exit the country groups to which they belong:

  • Czechout
  • AufWeiderSpain
  • Boltswana
  • Fleeji
  • Scootland
  • Dubaibye
  • Afghaniscram
  • Farewales

What if the person who named “walkie-talkies” named other things:

Forks would be stabby-grabbies
Wigs would be hairy-wearies
Socks would be feetie-heaties
Defibrillators would be hearty-starties.

How to spell searches

Saw this recently and think it’s amusing.  Google published the most searches for “how to spell” a word by state.

Here are a few of them:

California – beautiful

Maryland – special

Nevada – available

Pennsylvania – sauerkraut

South Dakota – college

Wisconsin – Wisconsin

Arizona – tomorrow

In my opinion, Pennsylvanians win for actually having a word that I could see people needing to look it up, the others – rather embarrassing.  “College”!! seriously South Dakota, come on! and Wisconsin Wisconsin?!

Laughter is the good for our health

Going through some things and found these funny things in several Reader’s Digests:

  • When people tell me “you’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.
  • A woman was lying in bed one night when she felt her husband’s hand caressing her neck in a way she hadn’t experienced in quite a while.  The hand then slid down her side, stopping at her knee.  Then he moved closer and did the same on her other side before abruptly stopping and moving away.  Feeling rather aroused and delighted by the unexpected attention,  she whispered, “Honey, that was wonderful.  Why did you stop?”
    He replied, “Because I found the remote.”
  • Why can’t you trust an atom?
    Because they make up literally everything.
  • I saw a guy with a question mark tattoo, which seems like an incredibly permanent commitment to uncertainty.
  • A new patient handed in her medical history form.  On the line marked past traumas, she’d written: Married twice.

A few funnies from the work place:

  • I asked the job candidate if he considered himself a punctual person.  He responded, “well, I’m not a grammar Nazi or anything.”
  • I had a guy show up for his interview drunk and wearing a powder-blue tuxedo jacket. The interview didn’t last long, but before it was over, he was crying about his uncle who had died.  We asked him how long had he been gone: the answer – 6 years!
  • At PetSmart, one of hte questions we ask job candidates is: “if you could be any animal, what would it be?” This candidate replied that he would be a turtle, because he’s always really slow and he’s never in a rush.

A few from lab research notes on their study or process method:

  • We incubated this for however long lunch was.
  • Slices were left in a formaldehyde bath for over 48 hours because I put them in on Friday and refuse to work on weekends.
  • This dye was selected because the bottle was within reach.
  • We didn’t test as many clams as oysters because someone found the samples and ate them.
  • I used that specific sequence of biotinylated DNA because I found some in the freezer.
  • The experiment was carried out from 9:00 a.m. to 5: p.m. because the lab is deserted and creepy after office hours.

Hump day humor

It’s Wednesday – a good time for adding humor to your day:

From Readers Digest May 2017 issue:

My friend, a county public health nurse, was reviewing a student’s medical records when she noticed that the girl and her mother share the same first name.  My friend asked, “doesn’t that ever get confusing?”  To which the girl said, “oh no, I just call her Mom.”
sent in by Beth Nelson from Clear Lake, Wisconsin

I’d recently written an academic book, which  my six year old son asked to see.  I handed him a copy and he carefully examined the pages.  When he was done, he closed the book and, looking perplexed, asked, “Dad, do you understand any of this?”
sent in by Tanni Haas, NY, NY

and next: responses that tenants gave their landlords after not paying the rent on time:

  • I didn’t pay the rent because I’m saving up to move.
  • Oh come on. You’re gonna harass me on Valentine’s Day?
  • My last landlord had no problem with me paying late. This seems to be a real big issue with you.
  • Well, if I wasn’t late with the rent, you’d never come to see me.
  • I’m getting real tired of paying this rent every month. You’ll just have to wait.