Tag: funny

Two-line Jokes

 

The best two-line jokes

I do not know who decided these were the best, but they’re pretty good. I think this was from an email I got from my brother.

  1. Parallel lines have so much in common.
    It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  2. My wife accused me of being immature.
    I told her to get out of my fort.
  3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
    Then they call me ugly and poor.
  4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One, they’re efficient and not very funny.
  5. What do you call a dog with no legs?
    It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
  6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
    You have my Word.
  7. What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
    A pool table.
  8. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
    Even the cake was in tiers.

  9. What do you do with a dog with no legs?
    Take it for a drag

  • Want to hear a word I just made up?
    Plagiarism
  • Why do cows wear bells?
    Because their horns don’t work.
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
    Aye Matey.
  • I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
    If anything, it made him more sluggish.
  • Someone stole my mood ring,
    I don’t know how I feel about it.
  • I tried to catch fog yesterday,
    Mist.
  • Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
    If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Funny things I have read

Seen in the Readers Digest Feb 2020 edition (www.rd.com)

Social Media accidents:

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday – @thecatwhisperer

Accidentally changed my Facebook status to “single” and my mother-in-law posted, “WOO-HOO!” – @brianhope

Accidentally posted “happy buttday” instead of “Happy Birthday” on a Facebook Friend’s wall – @parkerlawyer

As we watched a program about a man with agoraphobia, my wife asked, “Is that a disability?”. “Yes”, I said. “Maybe I have that”, said my wife. I shook my head and said, “No, he’s afraid to leave the house. You just like to stay home.”

Excuses that ministers have heard for why people skip church:
– I couldn’t get the lid off the peanut butter
– The church is too close to drive and too far to walk
– Both of my girlfriends attend church there
– The pastor stays in the Bible too much
– The pastor is too attractive. When I see him preaching I have impure thoughts and I am distracted
– My wife cooked bacon for breakfast and our entire family smelled like bacon
– The worship leader pulls up his pants too often. It’s distracting
– I always get hemorrhoids on Sundays.
– Someone called me ‘brother’ instead of using my name

Funny things I’ve recently seen

From the September 2018 issue of Readers Digest:

I go to a bar and ask “what’s the wi-fi password?”
Bartender replies: You need to buy a drink first.
I reply, “okay, I’ll have a beer”
Bartender: that’ll be $5.
I pay him and say, “ok, so what’s the password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first, no spaces, all lowercase.”

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly confides to his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says “my owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German Shepherd and I’m as nervous as a hamster.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle, “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game of Monopoly.
– Steven Wright

 

Quotes taken out of context

As some of you know, when I hear someone say something that, if taken out of context strikes me funny, I make note of it.  I’ve done this for years at corporate meetings and have published many of them at this website.

Being out of larger corporations and their penchant for meetings, meetings and more meetings, I’m not presented with as many opportunities.  Here are a few captured over the past 3 years in a variety of settings:

I drink a lot, all the time.
– Michelle Jacobson, 7/14/2015

My beer is always full of fridge.
– Michelle Jacobson, 7/14/2015

The men are easy.
– Kelly O’Brien, 7/14/2015

She just changed reality!
– Chris Matheus (date unrecorded)

Sooner or later, everything happens.
– Kevin Clover, May 2018

How not to get hired

Reprinting this from a Reader’s Digest:

These are things not to do when interviewing.  These were provided by hiring managers:

  • Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday and Sunday was “drinking time”.
  • Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole the pig, but it was a really small pig.”
  • Advertising is a tough business.  Which may be why one prospective adman wrote a cover letter boasting, “I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly.”

Jokes contributed by FOCM Members

So one of FOCM’s members texts me random humorous items.  I share some of them with you today:

What did the ocean say to the sailboat?
Nothing.  It just waved.

 

What did General Custer say at Little Big Horn when he saw the Indians coming?
“Here come the Indians.”

 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?
Juan on Juan

 

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.  So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, “our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity.  Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “uh…no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the laywer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did you research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer says, “So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”