So this all started at a US Sales meeting and in order to stay focused on what was being said, I started writing down the business cliches, like “let’s circle the wagons”, “let’s table that”, “always be closing” and then count how many times they were said. As I began paying attention, I would hear a phrase that was appropriate for the context in which it was said, but wow, it sure was amusing to see the phrase just sitting there by itself. This is a continuation in the series of “quotes taken entirely out of context.”

If you’re not making it easier, you’re making it harder – Josh Underwood

In Clinical, change is bad – Christine Oliver

I did 5 years in Clin Ops – Scott Nodolf

We are blindfolded in the dark, throwing darts – Jamey McCarty

You’re going to shit and fall back in it – Anonymity requested

Check back for more postings. If your name is mentioned and you’d like it removed, please email me at chris@focmnetworking.com and I’ll give your request strong consideration and may even possibly act on it. Seriously, though I will remove it if you want me to.  Another approach is for me to just use your first name.

Submitted by FOCM Member Allen Gehrke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOrjcLJ2IE0&feature=related

Good news! I found flash drives with the “quotes out of context” presentations that have been prepared over the years at business meetings.

So this all started at a US Sales meeting and in order to stay focused on what was being said, I started writing down the business cliches, like “let’s circle the wagons”, “let’s table that”, “always be closing” and then count how many times they were said. As I began paying attention, I would hear a phrase that was appropriate for the context in which it was said, but wow, it sure was amusing to see the phrase just sitting there by itself. That lead me to put them into a slide show show so the phrase was seen in its purest form along with the person who said it. AS this became known, the slide set became the unofficial and humorous wrap-up presentation, kind of a summary of the things stated over the course of the meeting.

As it became known what I was listening, I started getting contributions from people who heard things that I hadn’t. These contributions became particularly helpful when we were enjoying the evening socializing and might be in different bars and I would get quotes to include via text. I thought about putting the powerpointTM file out here, but then realized it could be downloaded and people could mess with it. Once I teach myself how to record it and protect it, I might put the presentations out here but for now, see below:
These were from Sales and Ops meetings over the course of several months:

A quickie to get out of the way. (Ken Files)
We should be pushing new crap out every day. (Kris)
Money is money. (unattributed)
Assumes ceteris paribus. (Nick Hargaden)
Good, thanks. (Martin Cleary)
It’s the candy coating on the m & m. (Kris)
A number of non-truths. (Ken Files)
Define “point person”. (Luke Lawson)
I digress – it’s one of my pet peeves. (Paul Colombo)

Check back for more postings. If your name is mentioned and you’d like it removed, please email me at chris@focmnetworking.com and I’ll give your request strong consideration and may even possibly act on it. Seriously, though I will remove it if you want me to.

provided by FOCM Member Angie Mitchell

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one
does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Bad Neighborhoods” routing option.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area
thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t
hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories (so do bad dates)

Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your
chair back a little too far.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?”
How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a
fat ass before dinner.

Seen in the April issue of Readers Digest:
Joke 1
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered back pain for years. Can you help me?”
The angel touches the man’s back and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.

As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability.”

Joke 2
The quirky humor of Steven Wright:
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

seen in Reader’s Digest March 2014 issue

City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells
– The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, MI)

Case of Innocent Man Freed After Spending 18 Years in Prison Proves Texas System Works
– Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (Texas)

British Left Waffles on Falklands
– The Guardian

At Last Singer Etta James Dies
– dailymail.co.uk

Seen in Reader’s Digest March 2014 issue; this submitted by Sheri Mueller

After a rough day spent corraling my rowdy kids, I’d had enough. ” I think I’m going to sell them,” I hissed to my sister.
“You’re crazy,” she said.
“For thinking of selling them?” I replied.
“For thinking someone would buy them.”

submitted by FOCM member Kevin Boos via StumbleUpon

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2wFHg0#

Thanks to FOCM member Melissa Jameson for finding this treasure from when we both worked at the same place some years ago. The cubicle etiquette document sent out by HR was “slightly” modified to be more enjoyable to read.

CUBICLE ETIQUETTE
Cubicles can present many challenges to our daily work lives. The company has developed a guideline on Cubicle Etiquette to try and decrease some of those challenges.

THE PHONE AND THE CUBICLE ENVIRONMENT

• When you are on the phone try and keep the volume of your voice low. You may not realize that your voice carries through the cubicles especially if you are under a skylight or you have a loud voice.
• If you are going to need to use a speakerphone book a conference room following GP 5.4.3.1 via Outlook, so that you do not disturb others.
• Your phone ringer should be really loud so that you can hear it ring while you are in the kitchen area and so that when you’re talking with customers or sites, it will sound like we’re really busy. Another thing to do while on the phone is ruffle papers so it sounds like you’re multi-tasking.
• Do not use your cell phone in your cubicle unless it is an emergency. Emergencies are defined as calls to 9-1-1. During business hours it should be turned off. No picture or photo phones are permitted in the building, they are only permitted in the restrooms.
• When having personal or confidential calls, be aware that those around you may be able to hear your conversation. Make sure to speak up so that they can offer advice to you when you’re done.
• Keep personal calls to a minimum. Extended personal calls can be quite entertaining to others.

ACKNOWLEDGING THOSE AROUND YOU
• When seeing someone for the first time each day, you’re to say, “good morning. Upon subsequent passings, you merely need to say, “acknowledge”. We find this avoids the uncomfortable what-to-say-the-next-time situation. Phrases like: “you look like you tied one on last night” or “what’s with your hair” should be avoided.
• Remember you work in an office and popping your head over the cubicle to yell to someone or trying to talk through the cubicle wall creates a friendly and collegial atmosphere.
• Try to keep the volume of sounds coming from your cubicle loud. (ringer on phone, music, conversations or computer volume and sound effects), it makes for a busy sounding place and we find that when coworkers are irritated by something they are more productive.
• If you eat lunch at your desk consider the benefits to others that the fragrance of food can provide and rather than eat at your desk, take your lunch to someone else’s and sit with them while you eat.
• The use of perfume/cologne should be subtle, but pheromone-based and not carry to other cubes. To make sure everyone gets to detect your fragrance, stop and talk with everyone at least once per day shortly after applying or reapplying perfume/cologne. But remember, not everyone may enjoy the same scents you do or may be allergic to perfume. Those with severe allergies have nothing to fear as Catherine is required to carry an Epi-pen in her tool belt while on the premises and Lori wears it after that.
• Please hold lengthy conversations (business or personal) outside someone’s cubicle, preferably Chris’ office, he likes to interrupt with sarcastic remarks.
• Keep the common areas (printer areas, mailroom, copy rooms, fax machines, restrooms, archive rooms, cafeteria, kitchen, hallways, foyer, reception, that weird dead corner by the back door) neat, because your momma don’t work here.
• Put your large, heavy, fragile personal items on the overhead bins and ledges. While the object could fall and injure the employee in the next cube (plants, pictures, etc.), it enables Shelley to stay well-versed in the office first aid procedures

THE CUBICLE SPACE: HOME AWAY FROM HOME
• Do not enter someone’s cubicle without letting them know you are there. If your colleague is concentrating on a project the surprise of your presence may not get a positive reaction. This can be done by telling them you are there, knocking on the cubicle wall or saying “beep beep” or “knock, knock”, then wait for an invitation to enter the cubicle as they may not have time at that moment to talk with you.
• An employee’s chair is not an Inbox (Kelly), a mailbox or an open invitation to go sit down and chat (Catherine). Use the appropriate delivery areas to provide documents to another employee, if there is a designated location identified.
• If the employee you need to speak with is on the phone or having a conversation with someone else do not wait outside their cubicle until they are done, step right into the cubicle. This will annoy them until they get off the phone to speak with you. Whoever they’re talking to can be called back. You may also use hand gestures or whisper the issue to them while they are on the phone.
• Information on a colleague’s computer screen is not for your viewing unless asked.
• Conversations had with other employees in your colleague’s cubicle are private. It is inevitable in the cubicle environment that you may overhear a conversation, however refrain from answering a question you overheard asked in the cubicle next to you. If your opinion is required your colleague will ask you for it. It is thought that this cannot apply to Chris, he does not seem to possess the genetic composition to do this.
• If you need a chair, look for extra chairs around the area, not another employee’s chair. If you must borrow another employee’s chair, ensure that they are not in the office and return it immediately, if not sooner, when you are done. Imagine coming back and having to hunt down your chair after being gone for an extended period of time (days). This happened to one person and they’re still out on leave due to post traumatic chair loss stress disorder.
• Bringing in some personal items and a few pictures to personalize your work area is acceptable and highly encouraged. This should be done in moderation, good taste and items should be appropriate to a business environment, it is not recommended to completely clutter your cube with items on the walls. The cube walls are not designed for this purpose and can cause damage to the fabric. If you have a question about what is appropriate to put in your workspace, check with your manager, HR, Administration, Mike Sutton or Kyle Shotwell
• Because there is no door on cubicles that means your colleagues office supplies and personal items (tissues, candy, etc) are community property. I know this sucks, but hey we own all this stuff and we’ve given you a job, so too bad. This can also cause fun to watch fights among coworkers and hey, we all need a break or to hit someone everyone once in a while, right?. If you take something personal of someone’s, please return it or leave them a dollar.

We all spend a large percent of our time in our cubicles.
Please try and work together on making the cubicle environment
a pleasant place to spend time and be productive and if each of us does this and that makes three other people do this and so on, the world will be a better place and perhaps the achievement of world peace or is it whirled peas will be accomplished in our lifetime.

So there I was at a conference, talking with a long-time friend and her co-workers and she was telling the others how she received her FOCM membership card, when we ran into each other in Logan Airport last year. (note to self: As I type this, I am realizing that giving the context of the story kinda defeats the “taken out of context” part)

“we did it at Logan Airport with the dog”
– Anne Zielinski