Spotted this by Marco Kaye in “McSweeney’s Internet Tendency” published in October Reader’s Digest

Corporate Time Equivalents

Just a sec = 5 minutes

Just a minute = 10 minutes

No more than 5 minutes = 1 hour

Quick meeting = 3 hours

Could use a hand = 1 week

Cool little project = 6 endless months

Interesting Opportunity = 2 years

Job = crap, has it really been X years?

Let’s revisit this later = never shall we speak of this again

Another set of quotes from a meeting that provided plenty of good quotes:

Is that all we need to do to keep you quiet Jim?
– Ann Nightingale to Jim Ashby

So Jim, you also can’t hear with your mouth full?
 – Scott Nodolf to Jim Ashby

We’ve always had trouble with Japan.
–  Dave Peters

France – not so good.
–  Dave Peters

The data suggest the French are more expensive.
– Dave Peters

It seems we need a training on how to put our Blackberries in silent mode.
– Unattributed

When money is on the table, Ashby delivers.
– Unidentified

Jim had to get stuck with me in the end.
– Elizabeth Thiele

Check back for more postings. If your name is mentioned and you’d like it removed, please email me at chris@focmnetworking.com and I’ll give your request strong consideration and may even might possibly act on it. Seriously, though I will remove it if you want me to.

Background: This all started at a US Sales meeting and in order to stay focused on what was being said, I started writing down the business cliches, like “let’s circle the wagons”, “let’s table that”, “always be closing” and then count how many times they were said. As I began paying attention, I would hear a phrase that was appropriate for the context in which it was said, but wow, it sure was amusing to see the phrase just sitting there by itself. That lead me to put them into a slide show show so the phrase was seen in its purest form along with the person who said it.  As this practice became known, the slide set became the unofficial and humorous wrap-up presentation, kind of a summary of the things stated over the course of the meeting.

I spotted these in the August 2014 issue of Readers Digest:

I bet cats have a secret web-site where they upload clips of cute humans trying to open DVD packaging and jump-start cars.
– @rolldiggity

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.
– @juliussharpe

Firefighters Use Jaws of Life to Free High School Girl from Locker

FDA Approves Third Silicone-Gel Breast Implant

Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party for Herself

Woman’s “Stomach Bug” Actually Baby

Why I’m Depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”

Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and everything…

I called a Suicide Hotline.  I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center…in Pakistan .  I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

On elitedaily.com was this article: 

On a warm day in the waters off Italy’s Porto San Giorgio, a couple decided to get physically connected in the water.  Unfortunately, they could not uncouple afterwards, no matter how much they tried. Things got uncomfortable quickly.  Read the full article below.

http://elitedaily.com/news/world/couple-gets-stuck-ocean-sex/803638/

submitted by FOCM Member Arturo Coppola

What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard
and asked him, “Grampa, what is couple sex?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she’s old enough to know to ask the question,
then she’s old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all
about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities
of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you
ask this question, honey?”

The little girl replied, “Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just
a couple secs

 

This was sent to me by FOCM member Andrew Smith.  It is a funny look at conference calls if they were actually held in a conference room.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYu_bGbZiiQ

 

A member of FOCM who has recently retired after 30+ years of government service has requested help in coming up with a variety of answers to the question he is often asked – What are you going to do today?  He has been responding with: “whatever the hell I want”.

He would like some other funny, sarcastic and/or sounds real but means nothing responses.

So, let’s brainstorm some responses. To help you get started:

This one was taken from a friend’s facebook post and I modified it a bit:
I am going to replace the impellers on my two Rio 20HF return pumps and Sedra 5000 skimmer pump. I expect electricity usage to drop by 0.4 Amp.

Uncouple the thermocoupler on the HVAC and replace it with copper spherical bearings.

Work on increasing the wattage of the flux capacitors.

Spotted on a corporate website where people can fill out comments/requests, etc. was this:

Message: I am interesting in   a Spellchecker for our CTMS system. What is your recommendation?

What are we supposed to do with this?  What is the appropriate reply?  Come on FOCM’ers, reply with some suggested responses.  Perhaps to get you started:

We are most interesting to responding to your question about recommendationing spellchecked tool.
or
We recommending that spellcheckering be occurred not in but out of CTMS.  CTMS nown for bean bad speler.  CTMS come in last at speeling bea.

Found this set of quotes from a meeting which yielded some excellent quotes.

If you quote me, I will shoot you.
– Ulrike Brenner

I’m going to keep my mouth shut, so I don’t end up in the quote show.
– Matt Clacy

This is a quote-free zone.
– Unidentified

Contracts people tend not to be flexible.
– Stephen Breen

Good ring tone Ann.
– Scott Nodolf to Ann Nightingale

Hello, there appears to be no activity ongoing at this meeting, good-bye.
– Teleconference Phone Robot

Do we have and I know we don’t.
– Stephen Breen

Check back for more postings. If your name is mentioned and you’d like it removed, please email me at chris@focmnetworking.com and I’ll give your request strong consideration and may even possibly act on it. Seriously, though I will remove it if you want me to.

Background: This all started at a US Sales meeting and in order to stay focused on what was being said, I started writing down the business cliches, like “let’s circle the wagons”, “let’s table that”, “always be closing” and then count how many times they were said. As I began paying attention, I would hear a phrase that was appropriate for the context in which it was said, but wow, it sure was amusing to see the phrase just sitting there by itself. That lead me to put them into a slide show show so the phrase was seen in its purest form along with the person who said it.  As this practice became known, the slide set became the unofficial and humorous wrap-up presentation, kind of a summary of the things stated over the course of the meeting.