Author: Chris Matheus

World History 101

History 101 

For those that don’t know about history … Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.  

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in  Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.

Craft store observations by Peter Holthe

This was written by Peter on caringbridge.org website while was going through diagnosis, evaluation and treatment for cancer.  He had a knack for noticing, highlighting and commenting on the humorous things in every day life.

The craft store was first. What it really was a series of themed areas where crafted items from crafty people were displayed for sale. Much of the merchandise would clearly be regifted after purchase, but I assume that somebody would garner some modicum of happiness out of the deal. Not surprisingly there were no other men to be seen. This was the time for me to represent my gender with pride. Recalling that I was down a testicle and just about ready for a training bra made such a task all the more daunting. Clearly, I needed to clear my brain from all distractions and so started with my bladder. The restroom lacked adequate signage so I was forced to try a few doors before I was successful. The room itself was adequate for the task except it had the tiniest urinal possible and it mounted very close to the floor. Was this a message that men were not welcome herein? Banishing that thought, I bent my knees sufficiently to give me a fighting chance to hit the target. Midway through the ritual, I had a horrifying thought. Given the small size and unusual mounting of the receptacle, perhaps I was relieving myself in fake urinal put there for decoration. I hadn’t noticed any signs of functional plumbing and it was difficult to even find the thing. Visions of an overwhelmingly embarrassing aftermath ensued and I ceased the process in midstream. Further inspection revealed that the pipes (also undersized) were sweating so there was water in them. A quick flick of the handle confirmed full functionality and I completed the ritual. Eschewing the assortment of the floral soaps, I exited quickly with some dignity still intact.

One quickly noticed that this store was more secure than Fort Knox. Signs were posted every few feet reminding the shopper that a closed-circuit video surveillance system was present. Some were even embroidered with lovely sayings such as “Free ride in a police car if you shoplift” and “We prosecute to the fullest extent of the law”. I don’t recall my grandmother employing such phrases in her needlework, but maybe I wasn’t really paying good attention. There were 6 video screens flickering behind the cash register as they scrolled through images from the various cameras. I had seen such systems in place on TV where the show concerns prison security, but never in a retail environment. My master plan to stuff my pockets with ribbon, enameled magnets, sparkly glue, pastel milk paints, and stencils was quickly shelved in favor of clean living with no parole officer involved. Since I doubted that street gangs routinely frequented this place in hopes of scoring high-end goods for resale at flea markets, I came to realize that the fairer sex might be a bit rougher than I thought. This conclusion would be reinforced at the yarn store, but I am getting ahead of myself.

I made my way to the stamping section where I tried to amuse myself among the hundreds of rubber stamps. I ended up kneeling next to my sister as we examined items on the lowest shelf with Kara 15 feet away similarly engaged. My sister has some orthopedic issues and we both would have some difficulty rising to our feet. She has the idea that we should both roll onto our backs, flail our limbs like upended turtles and cry out to Kara to help us up. Always one for public humiliation and glad to see Roberta was up for fun, I readily complied. We did our little routine and Kara shrieked in laughter at the sight of two well-rounded adults in their late 40s behaving like children. One video camera was trained squarely on us, but I didn’t think they would prosecute us as no crime other than impropriety had been committed. Paying the bill was a bit awkward, but tolerable. On to the yarn store where surely a more benign scene would be presented.

For those of you who have never been in a yarn store, it is usually populated by sedate women who are surrounded by bin after bin of yarns from all over the world. There is usually soft music with hot tea available next to the potpourri-scented burning candle. The atmosphere is uniformly hushed as serene shoppers poke about the yarn bins in hopes of finding the perfect color and texture of yarn with which to fashion the latest project. This store was different, very different. Located in a strip mall, it was nondescript from the street. Upon entering even a neophyte knitter such as myself could not help but be impressed by the selection of yarns. Then it got rapidly disconcerting. The predominant hair color of people in knit stores in usually gray and sometimes blue. The woman behind the front counter had magenta hair. A punk knitter? It is California so I remain calm and try to be inconspicuous. She is pleasant and friendly so I begin to wander about. Knitters usually gather in such stores for companionship as they convert woolen strings into sweaters, scarves, hats and mittens. Often there is a circle of chairs to facilitate polite conversation. I rounded a corner to find such a circle of chairs occupied by humanoids who had just left the bar scene in “Star Wars”. There were four women there arranged at the cardinal compass points, each wielding sharp needles with mildly glazed eyes intent upon their respective missions. Instead of older women wearing sensible shoes, these knitters had attitude. Two had the magenta hair so I took this as a tribal marking. One seemed to be Jabba the Hutt’s meaner sister who looked as if nothing had gone right for a very long time. Two were dressed in the typical Berkeleyesque organic, vegetable-dyed, natural fiber uniform with woven hemp sandals. The last of the quartet was a Stepford Wife type next to a Nordstrom’s bag full of yarn. I was quickly identified as a man (thankfully) and a non-knitter and just a quickly dismissed as unworthy of acknowledgement. Jabba’s sister kept eyeing me and I expected she was about to leap up, carve a pentagram in my forehead, wrap me in a woolen cocoon and then shove me aside to be consumed later. Then the conversation started. Each in turn would locate in a magazine some heinous example of poor knitting and proceed to rip its creator to shreds. Cattiness would be too mild a term for these estrogen-fueled diatribes. Even Kara and Roberta commented on the venomous exchanges. I quickly realized the utility of the seating arrangement as it enabled each participant to be seated with their vulnerable backsides shielded from each other. Brilliantly tactical chair placements kept the conversation and bile flowing in relative safety.

Now it gets weird. By this time I am seated in the unbroken Circle of Everlasting Condemnation though I have turned my chair slightly towards the door to facilitate a reasonable chance at escape if they turn on me. The hot topic was now the relative merits of non-participation in the National Hockey League’s upcoming All Star Game. Again, I am surrounded by a group of emotionally cannibalistic women who are knitting and discussing the finer points of a violent minor sport. Even during my Vicodin and Percocet-fueled delusions there was nothing like this. It seems some players chosen to participate in the game were opting out and were threatened with punishment by the League’s commissioner, Gary Bettmann. Most men don’t know who Gary Bettmann is, but this group is fully conversant in the topic. Maybe this was my opening to achieve a modicum of acceptance in the group. Each knitter had strong opinions on validity of each player’s excuse for non-participation. They described in detail the injury or personal situation that prevented the player from playing and proceeded to question the manhood of each in further detail. As I was in no position to defend myself in the manhood area should I be set upon in the conversation, I slunk away to find a restroom. What I found was a scented candle-lit homage to both traditional and homeopathic remedies for female ailments along with a generous selection of feminine hygiene products (some organic) surrounding the toilet. There was no urinal so this was easy. I instinctively knew that leaving the seat up would have resulted in almost instantaneous death so I left things as I found them and exited the store posthaste.

Brainstorming Assignment

One of the uses for the FOCM Network is to help solve business issues, questions or needs through brainstorming and crowdsourcing.

A recent request came to see if an alternative name could be generated to the term “Business Development”.  In the clinical research world, “Business Development” is essentially: “Sales”.   In the pharmaceutical commercialization sector, “Business Development” involves: licensing, partnerships, alliances, acquisitions.

I am looking for your help in coming up with new terminology, something which has to do with these key words:

Relationships

Strategic

Alliances

Partnerships

Collaboration

Please submit responses in the comment sections.

Networking – A Powerful Example

From the July 2013 edition of Readers Digest (www.readersdigest.com) comes this excellent example of “networking”, which probably is a fancy way of saying, “just have a conversation with the people you interact with”.

In summary, a cab driver in New York saw a man flag him down as the man came out of the hospital steps.  The man needed to go to LaGuardia Airport.  The passenger started a conversation by asking about the life of driving a cab.  Through the trip, the cab driver learned that the passenger worked in the neurology department at New York Hospital.  The cab driver had a 15 year old son who was doing well in school but needed a summer job, which he mentioned to his passenger.

The passenger said that the medical students had a summer research project and perhaps he could help them out.  He wrote down his name and contact information and gave it to the cab driver.  Under paternal duress, the cab driver’s son wrote to the doctor.  Two weeks later he got an interview and then was given a job for the summer, which led to a job the following summer.  The physician passenger later wrote a recommendation for the cab driver’s son upon his graduation from high school.  The cab driver’s son was accepted at Brown University and continued to work at the hospital during college.  The cab-driver’s son was accepted into medical school with a recommendation from his dad’s cab fare from 7 years earlier. The cab driver and the doctor never saw each other since that day.  The son of a taxi driver went on to become the OB-GYN chief resident at Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center.  That son’s children went on to become a cardiologist, endocrinologist and attorney; quite possibly all because of a conversation held in a taxi cab many years earlier.

Reward for Hard Work – the Key to Successful Economy

Recently finished reading the book “Eleni” and “A Place for Us” by Nicholas Gage.  Both are exceptional books.

I took note of page 445 from “Eleni”.  Nicholas Gage referred to the change in behavior and philosophy of Greeks who moved to America: “The Greeks seemed to absorb the Calvinist work ethic with their first step on American soil.  They abandoned afternoon siestas and long, lazy hours in the coffee shops to work fourteen-hour days – husbands, wives and children, side by side.  They paid for their homes and automobiles in cash. Many of the Mourgana Greeks in Worcester, including all four of my brothers-in-law, saved enough eventually to open pizza parlors throughout New England.”

It struck me that a core truth we know is that something worked hard for and earned is so much more valuable, rewarding and incentivizing than to receive a hand-out.  To directly realize the benefits of one’s own labors is intrinsically rewarding.

A clear example is the difference of Hurricane Katrina flooding in New Orleans and the flooding of the northern Mississippi a couple years later.  In one situation you had a populace reliant on government assistance which bred a dependency and seeming helplessness to fix one’s situation in New Orleans versus the self-reliance, help each other other out, rebuild without sitting back and asking “where’s my government?”.

Inexpensive Home Security System

submitted by FOCM Member Jon Matheus

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used work boots, size
14-16 – or larger.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a
copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: ‘Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and
Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don’t
mess with the pit bulls – they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up real bad.  I don’t think Killer took part in it, but it was
hard to tell from all the blood.
P.S. – I locked all four of ’em in the house. Better wait outside.’

INSTALLATION COMPLETE!!!!
Thanks for using the  Redneck Security Company

CRO with Central Lab seeks Business Development Director

A mid-size CRO is looking to expand their Business Development team with a Central Labs BD position.  If you are interested, please send me your resume and I will submit it.

Send resume or correspondence to me at chris@focmnetworking.com

Let me know if you are interested and I will submit your resume.

FOCM Meeting Minutes November 21 2013

The Philadelphia Metro area chapter of FOCM met on Thursday night, November 21 at Champps on 330 Goddard Blvd in King of Prussia, PA.

Good attendance was seen, probably due to me giving more notice than I typically do.  Some day I may learn this lesson but then again, probably not.  Good representation from my new co-workers, the Y-Primers.  Many new members were received in the traditional and solemn card presentation ceremony that you are all familiar with.

First to arrive was Lynn Fehnel (pre-paid her 2014 membership dues), close on her heels were Ryan Gibson (received card) and Mitch Drucker (received card).

Over the next hour or so the following members or soon to be members arrived:

Erica Hill

Matt Cocking (received card)

Ashley Cocking (received card)

Karen McPoyle

Russ Brierley (received card night before)

Shari Brierley (received card)

Vicky Martin (pre-paid her 2014 membership dues)

Shannon McDonnell

David Gibboni

Susan Ruane (showing her dedication by coming straight to the event from the gym)

Dean Stoios (received card)

Last minute “sorry, unable to make it”s were: Nadine Maag and April Bechta

Don’t forget to check out the FOCM recommended  businesses and those which give discounts to FOCM members.