Seen in the Readers Digest Feb 2020 edition (www.rd.com)

Social Media accidents:

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday – @thecatwhisperer

Accidentally changed my Facebook status to “single” and my mother-in-law posted, “WOO-HOO!” – @brianhope

Accidentally posted “happy buttday” instead of “Happy Birthday” on a Facebook Friend’s wall – @parkerlawyer

As we watched a program about a man with agoraphobia, my wife asked, “Is that a disability?”. “Yes”, I said. “Maybe I have that”, said my wife. I shook my head and said, “No, he’s afraid to leave the house. You just like to stay home.”

Excuses that ministers have heard for why people skip church:
– I couldn’t get the lid off the peanut butter
– The church is too close to drive and too far to walk
– Both of my girlfriends attend church there
– The pastor stays in the Bible too much
– The pastor is too attractive. When I see him preaching I have impure thoughts and I am distracted
– My wife cooked bacon for breakfast and our entire family smelled like bacon
– The worship leader pulls up his pants too often. It’s distracting
– I always get hemorrhoids on Sundays.
– Someone called me ‘brother’ instead of using my name