I spotted these in the August 2014 issue of Readers Digest:

I bet cats have a secret web-site where they upload clips of cute humans trying to open DVD packaging and jump-start cars.
– @rolldiggity

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.
– @juliussharpe

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FDA Approves Third Silicone-Gel Breast Implant

Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party for Herself

Woman’s “Stomach Bug” Actually Baby