Today’s Humor

submitted by FOCM member Stuart Munson

A recent article in the Kentucky Post, reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke’s hospital, saying that, after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:
“Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight.”

Anthony Weiner Headlines – Parody

An informal and impromptu brainstorming meeting of the FOCM NC beach chapter this past weekend resulted in this list of potential news headlines or bumper stickers regarding Anthony Weiner and his campaign for NYC Mayor. Thanks to Alicia, Deb, Gayle, Keith, Mike and Wendy.
Just imagine what we could do if we put our attention to a business issue or problem.

Weiner beats all comers
Weiner beats them all
Weiner getting cocky
Weiner campaign sucks
Weiner campaign really blows
Weiner campaign explodes
Weiner coming in first
Weiner comes go grips with …
Weiner campaign has gripping announcement
Popularity of Weiner shrinking
Popularity of Weiner growing
Weiner has enormous following
Weiner penetrates electorate
Weiner thrusts forward with new strategy
Weiner prods for attention
Competition kneels before Weiner
Weiner takes a licking in the race
Weiner’s wife lends a helping hand
Weiner grinds it out
Weiner’s ahead in the race
Weiner leans left
Weiner holds head high
Competition has Weiner envy
Women want more Weiner
Weiner presents his package
Yes, Weiner is happy to see you
Weiner hangs out in local bar
Weiner denies use of performance enhanding drug
Lesbians against Weiner
Opponents say Weiner rubs them wrong
Weiner draws line in the sand
Weiner licked at the polls
You have been poked by A. Weiner
A. Weiner stands up for women
Stiffed by A. Weiner
Weiner withdraws
Weiner pulls out
Weiner withdraws prematurely
Weiner can’t keep it up
Weiner re-enters the race
Weiner comes from behind
Weiner pulls it out
Weiner comes first
Weiner slams his opponent
Weiner pops up
Weiner is starting to grow on the electorate
Weiner by a hair
Weiner hits slipperly slope
Weiner seen going in through the back door
Weiner is self-supporting
Weiner goes all in
Weiner points the way
Weiner stands at attention
Weiner salutes
Weiner is soft on crime
Weiner is on top of welfare
Women open up to Weiner
Weiner hits the spot
Weiner misfires
Weiner extends lead
Weiner grows his lead
Weiner shrivels
Hillary offers her support but Weiner’s lead shrinks
Weiner beaten handily
Weiner flogged by opponents

Nymphomaniac Convention

Submitted by Bob Troeller

_ A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he

_ settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful
_ woman boarding the plane.
_
_ He soon realized she was heading straight towards
_ his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat
_ right beside his.
_
_ Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
_ “Business trip or pleasure?”
_
_ She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to
_ the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in
_ Boston.”
_
_ He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman
_ he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was
_ going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
_
_ Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
_ asked, “What’s your business role at this
_ convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use
_ information that I have learned from my personal
_ experiences to debunk some of the popular myths
_ about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind
_ of myths are there?”
_
_ “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that
_ African-American men are the most well-endowed of
_ all men, when in fact it is the Native American
_ Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
_
_ Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best
_ lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who
_ are the best.
_
_ I have also discovered that the lover with
_ absolutely the best stamina is the Southern
_ Redneck.”
_
_ Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and
_ blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really
_ be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even
_ know your name.”
_
_ “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my
_ friends call me Bubba.”

Philospher Jokes

Submitted by Andrew Smith

Rene Descartes is sitting in a cafe.  He orders coffee.

The waiter asks, “Would you like cream?”

Descartes replies, “I think not!” … and Descartes disappears.

 

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of “Being and Nothingness”.  He says to the waitr5ess, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”

The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream.  How about with no milk?”

 

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are on a road trip, when a cop pulls them over.  The officer walks up and asks if they know how fast they’re going.

Heisenberg replies that they do not, but they do know with high precision where they are.

The cop thinks that is a weird response and begins to search the vehicle.  He opens the trunks and asks, “did you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?”

Schrodinger says, “well, now, we do.”