This was written by Peter on caringbridge.org website while was going through diagnosis, evaluation and treatment for cancer.  He had a knack for noticing and capturing in written form the humorous things in his every day life.  Note I said, “his”, as I think some of us might have tried to solve the loose golf ball situation at some point.

You may want to have some tissue handy as this story has caused many to cry from laughter.

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Since I golf quite a bit, I tend to have loose golf balls in the backseat of my vehicle which is a crew cab truck.. Actually there are quite a few as I am somewhat lax about corralling them from rolling around. Doesn’t bother me, but the neatniks tend to throw their hands up in misguided disgust. Since the truck is on a incline in the driveway, opening either back door of the vehicle can result in gravity tugging some balls onto the driveway. Since we are on a steep hill, they begin to bounce and roll down the hill. Unfailingly, I will panic and give chase on the assumption it may be the good balls and not the nicked-up ones. This usually happens early in the morning and often when I am in my slippers which are not noted for their suitability in high speed chases. One of two things happens. The best case scenario is that I quickly overtake the errant balls and retrieve with little danger to both my ego and flesh. More often, it involves a lengthy chase with me pursuing the balls far down the hill, kicking at them while at a dead run while educating any listeners on the finer points of Midwestern profanity. The end result is that I am at the bottom of the hill, ten houses away from the still open truck door. Often I am now winded, missing at least one slipper and trying to pull my lounging pants high enough to not get arrested for indecent exposure.

Usually, the rescued balls are not worth saving anyway and so the whole incident is for naught. The saving grace is that this oft-repeated suburban ballet goes unwitnessed so my dignity is tattered, but repairable.

So now you have the background for the actual reason I started writing this piece. Part of my rehabilitation is using a purple inflatable exercise ball for various gyrations intended to sleeken my profile. The exercises also serve to prompt the fruit of my loins to observe my interaction with the 30-inch exercise ball bears a remarkable resemblance to a walrus navigating a rocky shoreline. So early one morning recently, I had the exercise ball in the backseat of the truck and decided to perform my scripted maneuvers. As it was 4:35 in the morning, I saw little need to exit the house in more than my underwear. Clearly it was far too early for even the newspaper delivery let alone neighbors beginning their day. Just extract the ball from the truck and return indoors. I know my family is smiling right now because they already see it coming. I proceed to the truck and open the door. Smarter people than I could have predicted a shower of golf balls and they would have been correct. I proceed to chase the small white balls and quickly interrupt their forward momentum enough to catch them. I am startled as a relatively large purple thing bounces past me. The exercise ball has exited the truck and is rapidly increasing the distance between us. With little thought, I give chase. The 30-inch ball is leading the way down the hill followed by a 280-pound, pale white, large-breasted, nearly naked man running barefoot. Following the man is a group of reinvigorated golf balls responding to the earth’s gravitational field. Illuminated only by streetlights, the man is grateful for the cover of darkness and is buoyed by the thought that no one will view this scene. The flicker of approaching headlights disabuse him from his comfortable conclusion.

Saner types might have forgone rescuing the cavalcade of balls and retreated to thick foliage. Not our hero. He proceeds even more quickly in the futile hope that he can divert the balls to an awaiting yard and calmly retrieve them. As the headlights strike his generous torso, he realizes that his disheveled hair along with both his 8-inch abdominal scars combined with his large, pale, and damn near naked form might present a somewhat disconcerting vision to the oncoming driver. As the procession passed the open window of the laughter-wracked driver, I waved and smiled weakly as the purple ball lodged in a roadside bush. As I was unaware of the golf balls behind me, they too startled me as they bounded past me into the night. Still driven by some primordial chase response, I resumed the downhill journey and retrieved the golf balls.

Now I have to walk back up the hill with the various balls which will take me past the now stopped driver. Since my underwear had no pockets, I had to stuff what I could not carry into them. So endowed, I picked up the purple ball. I am now a brilliant shade of red from the exertion and breathing heavily. Having exceeded my humiliation quotient for the young day and having little choice, I persevered towards the stopped car. The driver was as courteous as possible despite the tears of laughter streaming down his cheeks. Fortunately, he was lost on the way to picking up someone so I would never see him again. Ever helpful despite my appearance, I was unable to direct him to destination.

What to do and not do when a moth gets in your ear.

Submitted and experienced by FOCM member Denee Oakley

1. Don’t scream when it rams into your ear. It hurts your friend’s ear as you are on the telephone with her, and it scares the moth so it flitters around in your head.
2. Don’t let a loved one put a flashlight up to your ear. Moths apparently aren’t attracted to flashlights and don’t come flying out of your ear. Plus they get so far jammed down in your ear that you can’t see them with a flashlight anyway. They get scared and flitter around in your ear when the light shines in. You jump because of the flittering (and the disgusting fact that you have a bug in your ear) and they flitter more…..and it echoes in your head too.
3. By this time, don’t start panicking and thinking that not only is it lodged in your ear never to come out, it is probably scared to death so it’s pooping in your ear.
4. Finally, thought pops into head…..my best friend has a friend that had this happen to, except it was a cockroach. Let’s call her.
5. She retells the story of what happened to her friend (who ended up having to go the ER). Great. She is telling me steps to take as she is hysterically laughing at the current situation and saying “Oh my god, I have to tell my husband”.
6. Meanwhile, my husband is on the internet googling “how to get bug out of ear” with keys in hand to go to ER. Moth is still flittering around in head. Each noise made, aggravates it and it flitters more, feeling like it is getting deeper and deeper into the ear canal and probably pooping since it is scared to death.
7. Answer: a few pieces of grass. You shove a few pieces of grass in your ear, the moth grabs hold to it and flies out of ear.
8. The next day you will still have the nightmare of bug in ear….still feel it flittering, even though it is gone….still be afraid there is poop in there.

History 101 

For those that don’t know about history … Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.  

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in  Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.